True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
