why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
