I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
