I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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