i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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