we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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