Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
be right there i have to get my cape
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
