Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
my penis made a compromise with my morals
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
