I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
