i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
