I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
