I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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