I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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