Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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