Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
