So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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