JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
