Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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