I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
