He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
