thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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