So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
