Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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