I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize