im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
