Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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