I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
