just come out here and I will go home with you...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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