my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
pray to the hookup gods
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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