i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
be right there i have to get my cape
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
