Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
