chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
