the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize