so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
