is your mom at the bar?
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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