Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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