: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
