I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Randomize
