I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
