i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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