dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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