dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize