I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Everything about him screamed your future.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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