i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
