Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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