Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
