cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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