Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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