Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
