I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Your cock deserves a montage
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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