Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
