We named our party play list daddy issues
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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