My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
