he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize