Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
