She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
BRING THE BAGELS
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize