Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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