Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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