wrigley field is MILF paradise
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
