Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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