I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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