he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
