Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
