4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
