The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
