Just fell off a train. Bad.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize