I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize