I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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