so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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