just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
