Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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