i already hear my dad disowning me
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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