she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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